The Power of the Voice

In my series, How to wow in 7 seconds, I’ve looked zoomed in on different ways you can make the best first impression. This time, I’m turning the spotlight on your Voice.

As a singer, and vocal coach, I have a special interest in the voice as an instrument. It started off with interest in the mechanics of the voice, how to produce a healthy, clear and rich sound and use it as a tool to be a powerful communicator.  In the last few years, I've also discovered that your voice is also your number one ally when it comes to building strong relationships.

We may not realise it, but the way we use our voice impacts how we are perceived.

Lots of research has been done on the effects of the voice on others: the effects of pitch, speed, inflection, clarity, volume etc etc. The outcomes are actually eye-opening.

To give you a few examples:

·         People with a high pitched voice are perceived as baby-ish, lacking intelligence

·         People who speak too slowly come across as insecure and timid

·         People who lack volume in their speaking voice come across as not confident and shy

And the list goes on….

Let's make one thing clear:  I'm not saying that you are insecure when you speak slowly, I'm saying that people can perceive you as insecure. When we meet somebody for the first time, subconsciously we are looking for non-verbal clues that will tell us if we can put this person in the "like-box", the "notsosure-box" or "dismiss-box". When we meet somebody who speaks slowly, we will start looking for other elements in that person’s non-verbal messaging that also indicates insecurity (for instance: weak handshake, lack of eye-contact or slouching posture). When we find two other elements in that person’s non-verbal behaviour that affirm our assumption, we make a decision about what this person is like. It doesn’t matter if this assumption is true or false, it's a done deal. In a split second. All subconsciously.

So, in this blog, I’m going to share a few quick fixes to make your voice your ally.

1.      To lower your pitch:

Make sure you keep your forehead relaxed when you speak. Your voice naturally wants to go up in pitch when you raise your eyebrows.

2.      To speak with volume:

Make sure you involve your body when you are speaking.

Exercise; sit on a chair while you grab the bottom of it as if you want to lift yourself up. Notice that your volume goes up when you speak while doing this.  Try to keep the volume and this 'active body' while letting go of the chair.

3.      Optimise your Pace:

The most effective speaking rate is between 120 to 160 words per minute. You can find the right pace by timing yourself while reading something with a set amount of words.

Make sure you bring variety in your pace, this helps reflect changes in emotions and mood and it helps you to emphasize critical points.

4.      Downward Inflection:

If the end of your sentence goes up in pitch, it sounds like you are asking a question. If I would say: "Hi, my name is Maaike" with and upward inflection, you could say: "Are you sure?"

Letting the sentence go down in pitch at the end will be much more commanding.

5.      Clarity with articulation

You want to be heard and not asked to repeat something as vital as your name. A quick fix: put a pen between your teeth and speak for 2 minutes - you're giving your tongue a good workout! After this, your speech will be much clearer.

How do you sound?

I am a firm believer in assessing your voice. You can only improve by being aware of what to improve.

I assess my clients on their voice - the mechanical side, the delivery side and the interactional side and with this I can offer tailored coaching that will instantly improve their speaking voice.

But you can assess your own voice as well – record yourself while you are talking to somebody on the phone or just record yourself while you practice your pitch. Then, listen back and ask yourself questions like this:

Am I talking too softly or talking with a booming voice?

Am I monotonous in my speech or melodious?

Am I mumbling or speaking with clarity?

Am I racing or too slow?

Is my pitch too high or too low?

Good luck!! (She says with a strong, confident, melodious voice - forehead relaxed ;)

Cultivating Confidence

 
(Picture from the National Photo Company Collection)


Cultivating Confidence: 3 steps to conquer challenges

The Dictionary.com definition of confidence is:

“1. full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing:

We have every confidence in their ability to succeed.

2. belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance:

His lack of confidence defeated him.”

Funny how the very definition of confidence includes the danger of not cultivating it: defeat in the face of challenge. 

To be able to “go confidently in the direction of your dreams” as Goethe said, we coach our clients to use the Power of Personal Brand, as well as change their mindsets and how they communicate, to overcome obstacles like fear and insecurity.

Step One: Use your Personal Brand.

In my previous post, “Cultivating Confidence: 3 first steps to staying focused and strong”, I called a Personal Brand both a powerful tool to build confidence as well as an anchor in a storm, when a challenge can knock you sideways.

It’s clear how you become more confident by defining your Personal Brand: when you identify your core strengths, your passions, key values, and developed skills, you naturally feel more secure about who you are and what you can do.

Using your Personal Brand to conquer challenges means taking the next step - relying on your Personal Brand to ground you, and guide you as you push past your comfort zone, past obstacles and begin to grow.

My business partner and I have discovered this concept works for a wide range of people - from teenagers just beginning to search for their identity and path forward to mature adults who hit a midlife crisis or two.

Adults can find themselves feeling suddenly as insecure as teenagers.

Destabilizing challenges, like executives getting unexpectedly let go at the peak of their careers, mothers re-entering the workforce after several years of caring for kids, or even empty nesters who didn’t realize how much of their identity was tied up in the title of “parent” often feel unclear about their place in the world. 

Defining your Personal Brand immediately reaffirms the wider value you as an individual bring to your community.  It also provides you with a tool - a compass to help make decisions about possible paths forward.

Use your Personal Brand to set new goals that play to core talents and current values. Honor your passions and cultivate skills that align with where you want to grow. 

Using your Personal Brand will guide you as you redesign your life and reframe your future, while remaining true to your core self.

Staying true can be tough when you hear the siren call of old patterns. 

Hold tight to your Personal Brand and you will feel better equipped to resist temptations like pursuing a job description that fits like a comfrotable old pair of shoes: tempting you to slide into that role even if it doesn't match what you've identified as where you want to go.

Step 2: Take control of your thoughts

Your confidence can be shaken if you give into a temptation - let yourself fall into old or negative thought patterns and behaviors. Talk about instant sabotage. It can leave you feeling as wobbly as jelly.

Taking cognitive control cultivates confidence.

Use that jelly-like matter in your head instead. Researchers have now discovered our brains are not “fixed” when we become adults, instead, they continue to be changeable as we age. 

We can continue to grow and actually change the connections in our brain, building new “muscle memory” to create new and improved thought patterns. You can use this neuroplasticity to step out of self-sabotaging behavior.  

This new information leads us right back to ancient wisdom.

How do you take cognitive control? Go back to centuries-old practices like positive visualization: creating mini-movies in your mind showing how you successfully overcome an obstacle and reach your goal. The trick is not to just visualize the end result, but every step of the journey - just like top athletes do before important competitions.

Or you can take control by quieting the chorus of voices inside your head. We all hear them. Choose the healthiest (sometimes it’s the quietest) voice and promote that one to “coach”. Then, bench the loud and obnoxious team members who shout at you, insult you, or question your capabilities etc. Recruit more cheerleaders instead. They’re the ones who say “Why not try?”

You can also take control by mastering the art of deliberate calm. That can be as simple as stopping to take a few deep breaths as soon as a challenge kicks you into fight, flight or freeze mode. Getting oxygen to your brain and interrupting the escalation of stress allows you to think more clearly about the real issue you’re facing.

Step 3: Harness your hormones

Yes, you read that right. Research also shows that we are very much manipulated by our hormones. Under stress, facing a challenge or obstacle, our bodies are wired to pump up the adrenalin and cortisol to help us escape the danger at hand.  In the modern world, the “danger” we sense is usually not life threatening - so we have to calm ourselves down.

One good example of this: people are more afraid of getting up to speak in public than they are of dying. There are theories about this fear, suggesting it’s a survival instinct deeply wired. Apparently we're afraid of being separated from the “pack”, terrified of being turned against, or being left vulnerable to becoming dinner for a passing predator.

You can use your hormonal reaction to your advantage by turning it around - you can be the predator.

Amy Cuddy’s famous “power poses" have been shown to pump up testosterone levels and lower cortisol. That means you can change your internal chemical makeup, temporarily, simply by putting your hands up in the air a la Mick Jagger, or on your hips like Wonder Woman.

This may sound silly - but it’s based in science - so try it before you judge it. See if it helps the next time you step up to the podium.

There is strength in authenticity. 

Are your strengths coming through, loud and clear? Or are you minimising them, even hiding because you don’t feel confident enough to take the risk?

Define, then use your Personal Brand to make your value clear to the outside world - and to yourself. Rely on it as a source of strength.

Reveal the real, powerful you.

Be prepared. The Personal Brand process can be a challenge, requiring unflinching courage and honesty and trust. 

Be bold. In fact, don't just cultivate it - claim your confidence. 

Right now.

Cultivating Confidence

(Picture from the National Photo Company Collection)

Cultivating Confidence: 3 first steps to staying centred and strong

I survived 20 years in a business that is often described as “brutal” because of fierce competition, long hours, few holidays and constant judgment: television news. From an entry level job as a tape-loader, I worked my way up to an anchor seat in a top 10 market. Maaike had her trial by fire in another fiercely competitive world: being an opera singer where the genre is still central to the culture - Europe.  

Confidence was critical to our success.

However, if we allowed it, our confidence could have been shaken to the core, daily - by harsh critiques, angry emails, hiring and firing based on a subjective standards of “look” or “presence”,  instead of talent and work ethic...you name the feedback, we were vulnerable to it.

Without even knowing what to call it, we both figured out a formula to stay strong in the midst of the “storm”: cultivating confidence. It took trial and error, but we determined the best steps to success, a way to believe in ourselves and our ability to succeed.

Step one: Hold on tight to innate talents

We played to our strengths - the talents we knew we could call on 24/7, without question. Those are your anchors in a storm. And we didn’t coast - we worked hard to keep our talents sharpened. For some, however, just recognizing and appreciating their innate talents is a challenge.

We’ve worked with a midwife who dismissed her outstanding ability to seamlessly anticipate her clients’ and their families’ needs as simply “caretaking” - something she assumed anyone could do. We had to persuade a successful businessman, self-conscious about not having a University degree, that being a “self-made” businessman was a true strength he could rely on to mentor others.

It’s not just about knowing your strengths but also your weaknesses. We all have them. When Maaike and I finally realized, after trying for decades, that we couldn’t turn them into strengths, we brought our weaknesses to a manageable level and learned to work around them.

We call it Minding the Gap: managing expectations and relying on external resources to fill in the gaps that matter most.

Step two: Remain true to your core values

Contribution and creativity are values Maaike and I both share, and we are grateful we could make them our focus for many years.

However, when pushed by employers or circumstances year after year, to override another value very close to our hearts -  taking care of our families - we knew it was time to resolve that inner conflict.

How many employees wake up one day and realise what they do violates their values? It may not start that way, but as values shift in order of importance, sometimes you need to choose which value takes top priority at a particular time in your life. After identifying it, it may not always be easy to step right into another job that fits your new alignment - but awareness is always the first step.

Step three: Re-assess, recalibrate and refocus

Because value priorities do shift, always make sure to re-assess. When we felt out of alignment, it was a cue to make a change. Independently we each came to the same conclusion:  find a new professional niche that fit our strengths and passions and then upskill to be able to fill that niche. That recalibration helped us re-set goals and refocus on the best way to achieve them.

This third step may seem obvious but it can require courage. I retired from news, eyes focused on my future. I started a new life adventure by moving to New Zealand, sight unseen, where my husband had a new job. I decided to figure out what I'd do once we got here. For Maaike, the journey was similar. She abandoned her opera singing career and upskilled to follow another passion: guiding others - as a coach and a trainer.

These changes didn’t happen overnight and they took courage. We relied on our deeply rooted knowledge of our strengths, weaknesses and values to keep us moving forward.

When we first met, and compared our stories, we felt compelled to go one step further, and combine the skill sets we’d mastered. We created a company to help others do what we had done: build a strong, authentic foundation, aligned with personal and professional goals. To make sure our outside matched our inside.

We called our company Personal Branz (with a nod to our new home - the “NZ” at the end).

We know that today, the phrase Personal Brand is often considered nothing more than a marketing tool, used by people who want to sell themselves - persuading others to buy what they have to offer. But we believe a Personal Brand can be used to do something far more fundamental and internal: to provide not just an anchor but also a compass, both to inform the choices we make - personal life choices with compatible business choices. And it can help us stay strong, centred and confident when life knocks us off balance.

In other words, a Personal Brand helps cultivate confidence.

These first three steps require introspection, input from people you know and trust and a consistent effort. You'll be stronger for doing it. However, your confidence still will be tested. In the next three steps, I’ll clarify the challenges and identify tools to conquer them.

You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile

If you know the musical Annie, you probably know the song: "You're never fully dressed without a smile" and corny as it may sound, it is so true!

Why? We build rapport with one another through our smiles.

In that first seven seconds, when we create a first impression, a smile expresses that we are willing to engage, and that we like the other person. When we acknowledge another person with a smile, it draws the other person immediately to us - sometimes stirring feelings of sympathy. There is even proof that when we contract the muscles we use for smiling (by for instance, holding a pen between our teeth), we can create a positive feedback loop in our brain that reinforces our feelings of joy.

So let's zoom in on the smile a little bit more and how you can use your smile to create a bigger impact in those first seven seconds, with the following 3 tips:

1) The Duchenne Smile - the smile that reaches your eyes

You may have heard of the Duchenne smile; named after a French Neurologist who wanted to map out all the muscles used in facial expressions. He went about it in a rather disturbing way: triggering muscular contractions with electrical probes on his patients and recorded their reactions on camera. But one of the things that he found was that a real smile was not just done by pulling the corners of your mouth up. A real smile engages the muscles around your mouth and your eyes. 

So those little crowsfeet - the lines around your eyes - are a good sign!! 

I would like to take it one step further; your smile not only should engage the muscles around your eyes, the smile should be reflected by your eyes - in a twinkle, you might say. What’s the effect of a smile like that? The other person will (subconsciously) feel that your smile is genuine.

They’ll also spot it when it’s not. 

To prove this, you can do the following test: copy the facial expression of the two smiles on this picture and you will 'feel' which one is real.

 

2) Delay your Smile Slightly - make it genuine

We all know that moment when we were children and our parents told us, “Now go around the room, shake everybody's hand, introduce yourself and DON'T FORGET TO SMILE!!!”

You went around the room with a smile pasted on your face that didn't change while going from person to person. 

Until you would meet someone you truly liked. That’s when that smile really came alive.

We tend to slap on a generic smile the moment we walk into the room. People can often see right through that - or at least get the “vibe” that something’s not real. So, here’s a little tip that will up that rapport-building instantly: walk into the room with just a pleasant expression on your face. The moment that you are introduced to the other person, then allow a smile to flood your face as if your smile is a reaction to this person’s presence and personality. It’s just mirroring what happens naturally when you already know and are pleased to see a friendly face.

3) Smile at the Appropriate Moment!

A smile is associated with positivity, friendliness and approachability. But when you smile while you are criticising somebody or addressing a serious topic, you can come across as arrogant, dismissive or condescending. Sometimes we want to add a bit of a smile to 'soften the blow', or to apologise for the fact that you are the messenger. Still, it can be misinterpreted, so make sure that your facial expressions match your message.

So can you train your smile? I would like to say, yes! But before I give you some tips on how to do this, it is good to know that the frequency of smiling also depends on your sex and your cultural background. For instance, women smile more than men, probably because it is more acceptable for women to smile than for men to do this. And Americans tend to smile much more quickly and more frequently than, for example, Russians do - just think of the difference of Vladimir Putin and Barack Obama in pictures.

As the holiday season approaches, it’s a perfect time to practice dressing yourself from ear to ear and wear a genuine smile that lights up your face and lifts others’ spirits.

So, the next time you prepare for a party, practice your smile in a mirror before you leave. Try to get your eyes to start twinkling first. That automatically engages the muscles around your eyes and then your lips will form a smile almost automatically.

And once you’re at the party, when you approach somebody, imagine you are meeting your long lost friend, that you have been so much looking forward to re connecting with saying: "Finally we meet again! I've missed you!" This image and the feeling that comes with it will automatically help your smile to come alive and look genuine.

Trust me, it works. And what better way to spread joy and cheer at this time of year!

Posture Perfect: Why Standing Up Straight Speaks Volumes

Every month this newsletter has been focusing on how to wow in the first 7 seconds of meeting somebody. We've zoomed in on eye contact, deliberate movements & gestures and the handshake. Now we're going to have a closer look at your posture, which is hugely important if you want to come across as engaged and authoritative. 

Has your mum ever told you not to slouch? 

Well, she was right - I'm going to tell you exactly the same thing! But it is not just about standing tall and sitting up straight, it is also about showing with your posture that you are ready for action, in control and committed. 

Working on good posture will not only make your mother happy: research shows that the way we sit, stand and move have big implications on our mood and happiness, and posture has proven to be a key element in how you are being perceived.  

Over and over again, the message is: sit up straight. I'm going to add: "lean slightly forward" too. 

Without trying to sound like your mother, I'm going to give you 3 simple tips:

1. Stand or sit tall like a Puppet on a String

Remember the Thunderbirds? The science fiction tv series starring puppets who always seemed to be going off into space? Well, you could have faulted them on their acting abilities, but not on their posture! That was because they were literally being held upright by a string. This image is something that might work for you. 

Imagine yourself being held up by a puppeteer that keeps your head up, lengthens your neck and arches your back. 

2. Be Ready to Pounce

Now, imagine Usain Bolt, ready to sprint out of the starting blocks. He's mastered the balance between relaxed muscles that allow him to move freely and a strong body that is pumped up to perform to its fullest potential. Obviously, you don't have to look like somebody about to sprint 100 metres in 9.58 seconds, but this image might give you a sense of what you need to express with your posture: ready to engage. 

This means: Feet grounded on the floor and a slightly energised muscular tension throughout your body. 

Does this mean you can't ever lean into one hip, to give yourself a bit more laid back look? No, just make sure you don't slouch when you do - or you'll lose that 'ready for action' look.

3. Total Body Turn

When you meet somebody, make sure you turn your body fully towards the other person - from head to toe, to express that this person has your undivided attention. Ever heard of the expression 'giving somebody the cold shoulder'? This actually happens in our day to day nonverbal communication and has a major impact on how others perceive you. 

Also - be aware of what other body parts could be betraying you. Your chin could be just slightly up and sending the signal that you are dismissing your partner. Even if your feet are turned away, they send out signals - it sure is something that negotiators keep a close eye on. So make sure that you make a total body turn towards your partner if you want to send the signal that you are totally committed to meeting him/her. 

So - want to make your mother proud? And win friends and influence people? For your next meeting, remember these 3 simple tips!

Making Eye Contact Count

The impression we give in the first seven seconds of meeting somebody is incredibly important. We subconsciously make decisions about each other about trustworthiness, authority, reliability and so on.

It’s important to realise you have some influence over how people perceive you in those initial moments. By becoming aware of what your non-verbal communication is saying, you can enhance your positive traits and make a great first impression.

In previous blogs we've looked at the handshake and amplifying your authority by changing the way you move. Now here's another tool for your tool belt: positive Eye Contact.

Nine tips for making eye contact count

1) 40%-60% Eye Contact while Speaking

Eye Contact is very subjective to culture; the customs and habits around when and how to make eye contact are very dependent on cultural background, social morals and religion.

But to follow the ‘Western way’, when we speak to somebody in conversation,  we normally make 40%-60% eye contact. This is a natural habit. We look away to gather our thoughts, to transport ourselves back to a moment or to the feelings we are describing, or we look away to process a question and structure our answer. We make strategic eye contact to check in with the other, to get our point across and to connect.

On the other hand if, while you are speaking, you are eyeballing somebody for 60-80% or more of the time, this can be uncomfortable. Not only can you make the other person feel awkward, you can even come across as creepy or intimidating. Conversely, if you avoid eye contact altogether, you may come across as insecure, dishonest or disengaged.

2) Eye Contact while Listening

While you are listening, you can hold eye contact much longer. In fact, making eye contact while you are listening communicates attentiveness and interest. Make sure, though, that it doesn’t become a stare! One tip: use other non verbal listening skills while listening. Nod occasional agreement words (a-ha, mmm etc). Also, avoid a body freeze - this might actually indicate that you are ready to attack the other! (We are not that far removed from the animal world...)

3) Breaking Eye Contact

When breaking eye contact you have to be sure that you do it strategically. Don’t look down, this might send the signal that you are disengaged, insecure or bored. Instead, look up as if you are gathering your thoughts or processing what just has been said. Try this: without moving your head, think of who your last maths teacher was at college. There's a high chance that while you are thinking, your eyes will shoot up. This is something you can use during a conversation as well.

During an argument, try not to break eye contact. Staying silent and staring at the person who is trying to intimidate you is a very powerful way to stay strong without words, win the argument or at least stand your ground.

When something else grabs your attention, a sound, movement or question, make sure you don’t immediately break eye contact - keep it for two more seconds before you look away. This sends the signal that you are committed to the conversation and the person.

4) Look Up!

In business we tend to look more at the upper part of the face, Looking at the lower part of the face is more appropriate for personal relationships. If you constantly look at somebody’s mouth, you might send the signal that you are flirting. If you want to keep it professional, mainly look at the eyes and forehead.

5) Flash your Eyes First

When meeting somebody for the first time, while introducing yourself, make sure that you flash your eyes - widening them just a bit. This will send the signal that you are ready to build a positive relationship with the other and are committed to this meeting. While you flash your eyes, try and avoid raising your eyebrows, as this might express shock. An ideal way of meeting: make eye contact, extend your arm, shoulders square to the other, lean slightly forward, shake hands and flash your eyes, lean back, release hand and break eye contact (look sideways, not down or up).

6) Smile with your Eyes - Up the Energy

Make sure that when you smile, it reaches your eyes. If you don’t, your smile may be mistaken for a smirk or disapproving look. One way to practice this: look in the mirror and practice the different smiles. Your real smile will show eye-wrinkles and your eyes will have a twinkle.

7) Make Eye Contact at Important Moments

Just imagine you are looking down while you say: “I’m so excited, I can’t wait!”. Words don’t mean anything if they are not being matched by body language. If your eyes are looking away during a sentence like this, you’re really signalling, “I’m dreading this…”. Make sure your eye contact matches the content of your words. Making eye contact when you are communicating something important convinces the other of your enthusiasm or commitment.

8) Rule Change: Facing a Camera

When you are in front of a camera, make sure you keep 100% eye contact with the camera. If you stuck with the 40%-60% rule, you could come across as nervous, evasive and disengaged. That said, to make sure it doesn’t become a stare and to keep your eyes expressive during your speaking, here is a little tip: just under the lens, hang a picture of somebody you like, your pet or a drawing or a smiley face. Lock your eyes on this and imagine you are talking to the actual person, it will help you to relax and become more spontaneous.

9) Eye Contact in a Group

Make sure you engage with everybody in the group while you are talking. If you only look at one person while talking, the other members will stop listening and feel left out. One tip: focus on a different group member with every sentence. This way you are talking to all the members of the group and you will be able to keep them all interested.

Yes, there's a lot to think about in there, but try to practice just one of these tips with each conversation. Promise, it will soon become almost second-nature.