Cultivating Confidence

(Picture from the National Photo Company Collection)

Cultivating Confidence: 3 first steps to staying centred and strong

I survived 20 years in a business that is often described as “brutal” because of fierce competition, long hours, few holidays and constant judgment: television news. From an entry level job as a tape-loader, I worked my way up to an anchor seat in a top 10 market. Maaike had her trial by fire in another fiercely competitive world: being an opera singer where the genre is still central to the culture - Europe.  

Confidence was critical to our success.

However, if we allowed it, our confidence could have been shaken to the core, daily - by harsh critiques, angry emails, hiring and firing based on a subjective standards of “look” or “presence”,  instead of talent and work ethic...you name the feedback, we were vulnerable to it.

Without even knowing what to call it, we both figured out a formula to stay strong in the midst of the “storm”: cultivating confidence. It took trial and error, but we determined the best steps to success, a way to believe in ourselves and our ability to succeed.

Step one: Hold on tight to innate talents

We played to our strengths - the talents we knew we could call on 24/7, without question. Those are your anchors in a storm. And we didn’t coast - we worked hard to keep our talents sharpened. For some, however, just recognizing and appreciating their innate talents is a challenge.

We’ve worked with a midwife who dismissed her outstanding ability to seamlessly anticipate her clients’ and their families’ needs as simply “caretaking” - something she assumed anyone could do. We had to persuade a successful businessman, self-conscious about not having a University degree, that being a “self-made” businessman was a true strength he could rely on to mentor others.

It’s not just about knowing your strengths but also your weaknesses. We all have them. When Maaike and I finally realized, after trying for decades, that we couldn’t turn them into strengths, we brought our weaknesses to a manageable level and learned to work around them.

We call it Minding the Gap: managing expectations and relying on external resources to fill in the gaps that matter most.

Step two: Remain true to your core values

Contribution and creativity are values Maaike and I both share, and we are grateful we could make them our focus for many years.

However, when pushed by employers or circumstances year after year, to override another value very close to our hearts -  taking care of our families - we knew it was time to resolve that inner conflict.

How many employees wake up one day and realise what they do violates their values? It may not start that way, but as values shift in order of importance, sometimes you need to choose which value takes top priority at a particular time in your life. After identifying it, it may not always be easy to step right into another job that fits your new alignment - but awareness is always the first step.

Step three: Re-assess, recalibrate and refocus

Because value priorities do shift, always make sure to re-assess. When we felt out of alignment, it was a cue to make a change. Independently we each came to the same conclusion:  find a new professional niche that fit our strengths and passions and then upskill to be able to fill that niche. That recalibration helped us re-set goals and refocus on the best way to achieve them.

This third step may seem obvious but it can require courage. I retired from news, eyes focused on my future. I started a new life adventure by moving to New Zealand, sight unseen, where my husband had a new job. I decided to figure out what I'd do once we got here. For Maaike, the journey was similar. She abandoned her opera singing career and upskilled to follow another passion: guiding others - as a coach and a trainer.

These changes didn’t happen overnight and they took courage. We relied on our deeply rooted knowledge of our strengths, weaknesses and values to keep us moving forward.

When we first met, and compared our stories, we felt compelled to go one step further, and combine the skill sets we’d mastered. We created a company to help others do what we had done: build a strong, authentic foundation, aligned with personal and professional goals. To make sure our outside matched our inside.

We called our company Personal Branz (with a nod to our new home - the “NZ” at the end).

We know that today, the phrase Personal Brand is often considered nothing more than a marketing tool, used by people who want to sell themselves - persuading others to buy what they have to offer. But we believe a Personal Brand can be used to do something far more fundamental and internal: to provide not just an anchor but also a compass, both to inform the choices we make - personal life choices with compatible business choices. And it can help us stay strong, centred and confident when life knocks us off balance.

In other words, a Personal Brand helps cultivate confidence.

These first three steps require introspection, input from people you know and trust and a consistent effort. You'll be stronger for doing it. However, your confidence still will be tested. In the next three steps, I’ll clarify the challenges and identify tools to conquer them.

You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile

If you know the musical Annie, you probably know the song: "You're never fully dressed without a smile" and corny as it may sound, it is so true!

Why? We build rapport with one another through our smiles.

In that first seven seconds, when we create a first impression, a smile expresses that we are willing to engage, and that we like the other person. When we acknowledge another person with a smile, it draws the other person immediately to us - sometimes stirring feelings of sympathy. There is even proof that when we contract the muscles we use for smiling (by for instance, holding a pen between our teeth), we can create a positive feedback loop in our brain that reinforces our feelings of joy.

So let's zoom in on the smile a little bit more and how you can use your smile to create a bigger impact in those first seven seconds, with the following 3 tips:

1) The Duchenne Smile - the smile that reaches your eyes

You may have heard of the Duchenne smile; named after a French Neurologist who wanted to map out all the muscles used in facial expressions. He went about it in a rather disturbing way: triggering muscular contractions with electrical probes on his patients and recorded their reactions on camera. But one of the things that he found was that a real smile was not just done by pulling the corners of your mouth up. A real smile engages the muscles around your mouth and your eyes. 

So those little crowsfeet - the lines around your eyes - are a good sign!! 

I would like to take it one step further; your smile not only should engage the muscles around your eyes, the smile should be reflected by your eyes - in a twinkle, you might say. What’s the effect of a smile like that? The other person will (subconsciously) feel that your smile is genuine.

They’ll also spot it when it’s not. 

To prove this, you can do the following test: copy the facial expression of the two smiles on this picture and you will 'feel' which one is real.

 

2) Delay your Smile Slightly - make it genuine

We all know that moment when we were children and our parents told us, “Now go around the room, shake everybody's hand, introduce yourself and DON'T FORGET TO SMILE!!!”

You went around the room with a smile pasted on your face that didn't change while going from person to person. 

Until you would meet someone you truly liked. That’s when that smile really came alive.

We tend to slap on a generic smile the moment we walk into the room. People can often see right through that - or at least get the “vibe” that something’s not real. So, here’s a little tip that will up that rapport-building instantly: walk into the room with just a pleasant expression on your face. The moment that you are introduced to the other person, then allow a smile to flood your face as if your smile is a reaction to this person’s presence and personality. It’s just mirroring what happens naturally when you already know and are pleased to see a friendly face.

3) Smile at the Appropriate Moment!

A smile is associated with positivity, friendliness and approachability. But when you smile while you are criticising somebody or addressing a serious topic, you can come across as arrogant, dismissive or condescending. Sometimes we want to add a bit of a smile to 'soften the blow', or to apologise for the fact that you are the messenger. Still, it can be misinterpreted, so make sure that your facial expressions match your message.

So can you train your smile? I would like to say, yes! But before I give you some tips on how to do this, it is good to know that the frequency of smiling also depends on your sex and your cultural background. For instance, women smile more than men, probably because it is more acceptable for women to smile than for men to do this. And Americans tend to smile much more quickly and more frequently than, for example, Russians do - just think of the difference of Vladimir Putin and Barack Obama in pictures.

As the holiday season approaches, it’s a perfect time to practice dressing yourself from ear to ear and wear a genuine smile that lights up your face and lifts others’ spirits.

So, the next time you prepare for a party, practice your smile in a mirror before you leave. Try to get your eyes to start twinkling first. That automatically engages the muscles around your eyes and then your lips will form a smile almost automatically.

And once you’re at the party, when you approach somebody, imagine you are meeting your long lost friend, that you have been so much looking forward to re connecting with saying: "Finally we meet again! I've missed you!" This image and the feeling that comes with it will automatically help your smile to come alive and look genuine.

Trust me, it works. And what better way to spread joy and cheer at this time of year!

Posture Perfect: Why Standing Up Straight Speaks Volumes

Every month this newsletter has been focusing on how to wow in the first 7 seconds of meeting somebody. We've zoomed in on eye contact, deliberate movements & gestures and the handshake. Now we're going to have a closer look at your posture, which is hugely important if you want to come across as engaged and authoritative. 

Has your mum ever told you not to slouch? 

Well, she was right - I'm going to tell you exactly the same thing! But it is not just about standing tall and sitting up straight, it is also about showing with your posture that you are ready for action, in control and committed. 

Working on good posture will not only make your mother happy: research shows that the way we sit, stand and move have big implications on our mood and happiness, and posture has proven to be a key element in how you are being perceived.  

Over and over again, the message is: sit up straight. I'm going to add: "lean slightly forward" too. 

Without trying to sound like your mother, I'm going to give you 3 simple tips:

1. Stand or sit tall like a Puppet on a String

Remember the Thunderbirds? The science fiction tv series starring puppets who always seemed to be going off into space? Well, you could have faulted them on their acting abilities, but not on their posture! That was because they were literally being held upright by a string. This image is something that might work for you. 

Imagine yourself being held up by a puppeteer that keeps your head up, lengthens your neck and arches your back. 

2. Be Ready to Pounce

Now, imagine Usain Bolt, ready to sprint out of the starting blocks. He's mastered the balance between relaxed muscles that allow him to move freely and a strong body that is pumped up to perform to its fullest potential. Obviously, you don't have to look like somebody about to sprint 100 metres in 9.58 seconds, but this image might give you a sense of what you need to express with your posture: ready to engage. 

This means: Feet grounded on the floor and a slightly energised muscular tension throughout your body. 

Does this mean you can't ever lean into one hip, to give yourself a bit more laid back look? No, just make sure you don't slouch when you do - or you'll lose that 'ready for action' look.

3. Total Body Turn

When you meet somebody, make sure you turn your body fully towards the other person - from head to toe, to express that this person has your undivided attention. Ever heard of the expression 'giving somebody the cold shoulder'? This actually happens in our day to day nonverbal communication and has a major impact on how others perceive you. 

Also - be aware of what other body parts could be betraying you. Your chin could be just slightly up and sending the signal that you are dismissing your partner. Even if your feet are turned away, they send out signals - it sure is something that negotiators keep a close eye on. So make sure that you make a total body turn towards your partner if you want to send the signal that you are totally committed to meeting him/her. 

So - want to make your mother proud? And win friends and influence people? For your next meeting, remember these 3 simple tips!

Making Eye Contact Count

The impression we give in the first seven seconds of meeting somebody is incredibly important. We subconsciously make decisions about each other about trustworthiness, authority, reliability and so on.

It’s important to realise you have some influence over how people perceive you in those initial moments. By becoming aware of what your non-verbal communication is saying, you can enhance your positive traits and make a great first impression.

In previous blogs we've looked at the handshake and amplifying your authority by changing the way you move. Now here's another tool for your tool belt: positive Eye Contact.

Nine tips for making eye contact count

1) 40%-60% Eye Contact while Speaking

Eye Contact is very subjective to culture; the customs and habits around when and how to make eye contact are very dependent on cultural background, social morals and religion.

But to follow the ‘Western way’, when we speak to somebody in conversation,  we normally make 40%-60% eye contact. This is a natural habit. We look away to gather our thoughts, to transport ourselves back to a moment or to the feelings we are describing, or we look away to process a question and structure our answer. We make strategic eye contact to check in with the other, to get our point across and to connect.

On the other hand if, while you are speaking, you are eyeballing somebody for 60-80% or more of the time, this can be uncomfortable. Not only can you make the other person feel awkward, you can even come across as creepy or intimidating. Conversely, if you avoid eye contact altogether, you may come across as insecure, dishonest or disengaged.

2) Eye Contact while Listening

While you are listening, you can hold eye contact much longer. In fact, making eye contact while you are listening communicates attentiveness and interest. Make sure, though, that it doesn’t become a stare! One tip: use other non verbal listening skills while listening. Nod occasional agreement words (a-ha, mmm etc). Also, avoid a body freeze - this might actually indicate that you are ready to attack the other! (We are not that far removed from the animal world...)

3) Breaking Eye Contact

When breaking eye contact you have to be sure that you do it strategically. Don’t look down, this might send the signal that you are disengaged, insecure or bored. Instead, look up as if you are gathering your thoughts or processing what just has been said. Try this: without moving your head, think of who your last maths teacher was at college. There's a high chance that while you are thinking, your eyes will shoot up. This is something you can use during a conversation as well.

During an argument, try not to break eye contact. Staying silent and staring at the person who is trying to intimidate you is a very powerful way to stay strong without words, win the argument or at least stand your ground.

When something else grabs your attention, a sound, movement or question, make sure you don’t immediately break eye contact - keep it for two more seconds before you look away. This sends the signal that you are committed to the conversation and the person.

4) Look Up!

In business we tend to look more at the upper part of the face, Looking at the lower part of the face is more appropriate for personal relationships. If you constantly look at somebody’s mouth, you might send the signal that you are flirting. If you want to keep it professional, mainly look at the eyes and forehead.

5) Flash your Eyes First

When meeting somebody for the first time, while introducing yourself, make sure that you flash your eyes - widening them just a bit. This will send the signal that you are ready to build a positive relationship with the other and are committed to this meeting. While you flash your eyes, try and avoid raising your eyebrows, as this might express shock. An ideal way of meeting: make eye contact, extend your arm, shoulders square to the other, lean slightly forward, shake hands and flash your eyes, lean back, release hand and break eye contact (look sideways, not down or up).

6) Smile with your Eyes - Up the Energy

Make sure that when you smile, it reaches your eyes. If you don’t, your smile may be mistaken for a smirk or disapproving look. One way to practice this: look in the mirror and practice the different smiles. Your real smile will show eye-wrinkles and your eyes will have a twinkle.

7) Make Eye Contact at Important Moments

Just imagine you are looking down while you say: “I’m so excited, I can’t wait!”. Words don’t mean anything if they are not being matched by body language. If your eyes are looking away during a sentence like this, you’re really signalling, “I’m dreading this…”. Make sure your eye contact matches the content of your words. Making eye contact when you are communicating something important convinces the other of your enthusiasm or commitment.

8) Rule Change: Facing a Camera

When you are in front of a camera, make sure you keep 100% eye contact with the camera. If you stuck with the 40%-60% rule, you could come across as nervous, evasive and disengaged. That said, to make sure it doesn’t become a stare and to keep your eyes expressive during your speaking, here is a little tip: just under the lens, hang a picture of somebody you like, your pet or a drawing or a smiley face. Lock your eyes on this and imagine you are talking to the actual person, it will help you to relax and become more spontaneous.

9) Eye Contact in a Group

Make sure you engage with everybody in the group while you are talking. If you only look at one person while talking, the other members will stop listening and feel left out. One tip: focus on a different group member with every sentence. This way you are talking to all the members of the group and you will be able to keep them all interested.

Yes, there's a lot to think about in there, but try to practice just one of these tips with each conversation. Promise, it will soon become almost second-nature.

How Low Can You Go?

With the NZ elections coming up, all political leaders have lots of airtime on radio, TV and online. Politicians have to be careful about every word they say – anything can be used against them. But they also have to be effective in how they say it. Nonverbal communication (body language and tone of voice) has major influence on how people will perceive you and your message. Us humans constantly scan the nonverbal messaging of others to search for clues that tell us if this person is trustworthy, genuine, an authority, can perform under pressure etc. 

This scanning for nonverbal clues is done on a subconscious level. Especially when it comes to the tone of voice, we make decisions about a persons intellect, credibility and personality without really consciously considering it. For instance the pitch of your voice has immense effect on how others perceive you. A high pitched voice is associated with nervousness and childishness, as a low pitched voice is often associated with credibility, maturity and authority.

Do you want proof? Well, in 2011 research has been done by Klofstad, Anderson and Peters on voting patterns of people when they listen to high and low pitched voices. They engineered non-recognizable voices (both male and female) saying “I urge you to vote for me this November” and then modified the sound so that they had versions in both a high and a low pitch. The researchers then asked students and adults (male and female) to vote to see if their voting preference for the fictitious candidates differed on voice pitch alone. Lower-pitched male and female voices each earned roughly 20 percent more votes than higher-pitched voices. Obviously, these voting patterns will be particularly applicable to the unknowledgeable voter.

No wonder politicians like former British prime-minister, Margaret Thatcher and former US president, George H. W. Bush, had voice coaching to lower their speaking voice.

If you want to lower the pitch of your voice and enhance credibility and authority, here are a few tips:

-       Breathe in calm and low before you speak; breathe towards your diaphragm.

-    Relax your forehead while you are speaking - seriously, your pitch rises automatically when you raise your eyebrows.

-    Relax your body and anchor yourself to the ground or your chair.

-       Say the following sentence and every time you repeat it, try and lower your pitch slightly, not losing the resonance in your voice. Make sure you keep your jaw nice and loose.

                       “mmmm-one-mmmm-two-mmmm-three-mmmmm-four”

-       Say your name and your job title a few times in a row, each time making sure you have lots of modulation throughout your sentence and checking if the lower pitched parts are still in your powerful vocal range.                                                             “My name is…. and I am a ….”

It may feel a bit weird at first to do these exercises, but if you do them every day for a month, your voice will go down in pitch and will become richer in tone.   

Amplify your Authority by changing the Way you Move

When somebody walks on to a stage, you don't want somebody aimlessly wandering, not acknowledging the audience, with no clear direction in where he or she is going. You would immediately judge him or her – not a first class act, not self confident or not committed to the job.

The same principle is at play when you make an entrance at a job interview or even a meeting.

So, how can you make sure others perceive you as someone competent, confident and committed? Give every movement a clear and purposeful direction.

On stage, actors often use the Laban movement chart to  refine their physical expression. Laban breaks down how we move into three different areas: space, weight and time. Space can be either direct or indirect, weight can be either heavy or light and time can be either sudden or sustained.

When, as an actor, you are playing a certain character, the different combinations of the three areas (your Laban cocktail) help you to physically portray  your character convincingly; a young frivolous character would have indirect, light and sudden movements, where as an aggressive character would have direct, strong and sudden movements.

So how would this apply to people working in the corporate sector? Remember, up to 80% of our communication is conveyed by the nonverbal signals we send out. If you want to come across as somebody with authority and someone who’s trustworthy, your nonverbal messaging has to match this. Using indirect, strong and sudden movements would send out the signal that you are impulsive and a bit nervous. Those movements certainly wouldn't match the authority and trustworthiness you want to express. A better combination would be to use direct, strong and sustained movements.

A direct, strong and sustained way of moving sends the message that you are energetic, yet focused and in control;  strong but not rigid;  directive – but in a calm way. In other words, all the qualities you want to express as a leader. Add a few sudden, direct and strong movements into the mix and you can amplify your assertiveness. Make a direct, sustained but light movement and you might show more of your analytical side.

To choose which ingredients in the Laban cocktail you need to make a stronger impression in those first seven seconds, you first need to know your habit.

You could call your way you move through space, your movement fingerprint. Once you have analysed your 'fingerprint', you get a clear idea of which Laban cocktail you normally use and what message you send out with this way of moving. Then, ask yourself: what do I want to express, what would the ideal cocktail be? With this awareness you can make focused decisions about what movements you want to keep, what needs to change and what would be your most effective Laban cocktail. After this, the fun part starts: practice!

You can practice this anywhere; while brushing your teeth, cooking a meal, waiting for the bus, ordering a drink, on the dance floor and obviously during interaction with others. So how would you practice direct, strong and sustained movements? Imagine you are moving and gesturing through treacle or water; it takes a bit more effort, your whole body has to be involved and all movements are made with purpose.

And remember - have fun with it!

Use your Voice to give Meaning to the Words

Words mean more than what is set down on paper, it take the human voice to infuse them with deeper meaning.

- Maya Angelou

 

Are you expressing the meaning of your words with your voice? When we listen to someone's voice, we aren't just listening to words, but also for clues about how a person feels or wants us to feel. A shrill and fast paced voice sends out different signals then a resonating and slow paced voice. You all know which one you prefer. Because both imply an underlying emotion.  

And it doesn't stop with listening. We automatically change how we sound by tweaking our pitch and "infusing" our voice, as Maya Angelou said, with emotion. To give you an example: just think back to when you've held a baby in your arms - the sound of your voice changed! 

Even the toughest bloke will change the sound of his voice; put more modulation in.

So it is fair to say that by changing different elements in our speaking voice, we can, as Maya Angelou also says, give deeper meaning to words that are set down on paper.

These elements are:

·        Pace

·         Pitch

·         Modulation

·         Articulation

·         Sound

Once you start listening how others use these ingredients in their speech, you can become aware why someone's voice is not as effective as it could be. 

While at it, give yourself a task as well! Re-record your voicemail message. Practice it a few times first, asking yourself: 

·         Is my name clearly pronounced?

·         Am I using a downward inflection when I state my name? - otherwise it sounds like you are asking somebody else if what your name is: "my name is Dorothy Watts?" 

·         Am I keeping a nice relaxed pace with enough modulation?

·         Does my voice sound welcoming and confident? - a rich and low tone

Record it, trying it out a few times until you are happy with your message.

One tip that will improve your sound instantly: smile when you record your message - it will make the quality of your voice sound richer. 

Happy Voicing!