It’s important to realise you have some influence over how people perceive you in those initial moments. By becoming aware of what your non-verbal communication is saying, you can enhance your positive traits and make a great first impression.
In previous blogs we've looked at the handshake and amplifying your authority by changing the way you move. Now here's another tool for your tool belt: positive Eye Contact.
Nine tips for making eye contact count
1) 40%-60% Eye Contact while Speaking
Eye Contact is very subjective to culture; the customs and habits around when and how to make eye contact are very dependent on cultural background, social morals and religion.
But to follow the ‘Western way’, when we speak to somebody in conversation, we normally make 40%-60% eye contact. This is a natural habit. We look away to gather our thoughts, to transport ourselves back to a moment or to the feelings we are describing, or we look away to process a question and structure our answer. We make strategic eye contact to check in with the other, to get our point across and to connect.
On the other hand if, while you are speaking, you are eyeballing somebody for 60-80% or more of the time, this can be uncomfortable. Not only can you make the other person feel awkward, you can even come across as creepy or intimidating. Conversely, if you avoid eye contact altogether, you may come across as insecure, dishonest or disengaged.
2) Eye Contact while Listening
While you are listening, you can hold eye contact much longer. In fact, making eye contact while you are listening communicates attentiveness and interest. Make sure, though, that it doesn’t become a stare! One tip: use other non verbal listening skills while listening. Nod occasional agreement words (a-ha, mmm etc). Also, avoid a body freeze - this might actually indicate that you are ready to attack the other! (We are not that far removed from the animal world...)
3) Breaking Eye Contact
When breaking eye contact you have to be sure that you do it strategically. Don’t look down, this might send the signal that you are disengaged, insecure or bored. Instead, look up as if you are gathering your thoughts or processing what just has been said. Try this: without moving your head, think of who your last maths teacher was at college. There's a high chance that while you are thinking, your eyes will shoot up. This is something you can use during a conversation as well.
During an argument, try not to break eye contact. Staying silent and staring at the person who is trying to intimidate you is a very powerful way to stay strong without words, win the argument or at least stand your ground.
When something else grabs your attention, a sound, movement or question, make sure you don’t immediately break eye contact - keep it for two more seconds before you look away. This sends the signal that you are committed to the conversation and the person.
4) Look Up!
In business we tend to look more at the upper part of the face, Looking at the lower part of the face is more appropriate for personal relationships. If you constantly look at somebody’s mouth, you might send the signal that you are flirting. If you want to keep it professional, mainly look at the eyes and forehead.
5) Flash your Eyes First
When meeting somebody for the first time, while introducing yourself, make sure that you flash your eyes - widening them just a bit. This will send the signal that you are ready to build a positive relationship with the other and are committed to this meeting. While you flash your eyes, try and avoid raising your eyebrows, as this might express shock. An ideal way of meeting: make eye contact, extend your arm, shoulders square to the other, lean slightly forward, shake hands and flash your eyes, lean back, release hand and break eye contact (look sideways, not down or up).
6) Smile with your Eyes - Up the Energy
Make sure that when you smile, it reaches your eyes. If you don’t, your smile may be mistaken for a smirk or disapproving look. One way to practice this: look in the mirror and practice the different smiles. Your real smile will show eye-wrinkles and your eyes will have a twinkle.
7) Make Eye Contact at Important Moments
Just imagine you are looking down while you say: “I’m so excited, I can’t wait!”. Words don’t mean anything if they are not being matched by body language. If your eyes are looking away during a sentence like this, you’re really signalling, “I’m dreading this…”. Make sure your eye contact matches the content of your words. Making eye contact when you are communicating something important convinces the other of your enthusiasm or commitment.
8) Rule Change: Facing a Camera
When you are in front of a camera, make sure you keep 100% eye contact with the camera. If you stuck with the 40%-60% rule, you could come across as nervous, evasive and disengaged. That said, to make sure it doesn’t become a stare and to keep your eyes expressive during your speaking, here is a little tip: just under the lens, hang a picture of somebody you like, your pet or a drawing or a smiley face. Lock your eyes on this and imagine you are talking to the actual person, it will help you to relax and become more spontaneous.
9) Eye Contact in a Group
Make sure you engage with everybody in the group while you are talking. If you only look at one person while talking, the other members will stop listening and feel left out. One tip: focus on a different group member with every sentence. This way you are talking to all the members of the group and you will be able to keep them all interested.
Yes, there's a lot to think about in there, but try to practice just one of these tips with each conversation. Promise, it will soon become almost second-nature.
Yes, there's a lot to think about in there, but try to practice just one of these tips with each conversation. Promise, it will soon become almost second-nature.
